guy was telling about this girl Sue who disguised herself as a man and joined the army."But, wait a minute," said his friend, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too, won't she?""Sure," replied the guy."Well, won't they find out?"The guy shrugged. "Who's gonna tell?"
MATRIMONIAL QUICKIE
The private pleaded for a leave on the ground that his wife needed him home. Sarcasmed the sergeant: "Do you place your wife before duty to your country, Wilson?"
"Listen, sarge," responded the soldier, "there are ten million men taking care of my country, but as far as I know I'm the only guy taking care of my wife."
Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her Sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a wonderful world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"
Check out this picture/joke::
http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Tankad.gif
WATCH IT, BIN LADEN. WE JUST MAY BE CRAZIER THAN YOU
To those extremists that perpetrated this crime against our nation, I have a warning for you. There are those of us who look at your actions as irrational, twisted, and completely inhuman. By all measures, what you have done can only be seen as insane. I have news for you. We're more nuts than you, and it should scare you s***less.
You may think that when you die for your cause, you go to Paradise with 72 virgins, can leave reservations for 70 members of your family, all your sins are forgiven, and you sit at the side of Allah. Big deal. We had 39 guys who rented a Beverly Hills mansion, cut off their nuts, built a web site, and proceeded to poison themselves to death to hitch a ride with aliens out on the Hale-Bopp comet.
You shoot guns into the sky to celebrate victories over enemies, and people are killed by the bullets raining down on them. We not only do this for New Year's Eve in some cities, but we burn houses down, tear up streets, loot and sack our stores, and beat our selves senseless when our sports teams win championships. Sports teams! We made a sequel to Police Academy 5. We gave an award for singing to two guys who never even sang. We put little sweaters on dogs. We shot John Lennon six times and didn't even aim for Yoko Ono. We think Elvis is still alive. We put Braille on drive-up automatic teller machines. We think that a simple button on a web site that says "Do not click if you're under 21" will do anything but cause a person under 21 to click on it. We take a large chunk of the island on which those buildings you destroyed sat and pretend that it isn't a part of our country after all, let people fly in to our airports that we want to kill, drive them in limousines to speak against us on this "pretend territory" land, let them drive back to our airport, and let them fly them back home without a scratch. We sell hot dogs in packages of ten and the buns in packages of eight.
We can't even decide if pitchers should have to bat for themselves or not. All those baseball fields we've got. none of them are even remotely the same size. We gave millions of dollars to a guy that told us that God was going to kill him if he didn't raise enough money. When he didn't get enough money, he didn't die. So we gave him more money in celebration of the fact that God didn't make him die. We've managed to keep the formulas for Coca-Cola and Kentucky Fried Chicken secret for decades, we encrypt the most banal communications on our Information
Superhighway, and yet we given away our most important nuclear secrets to the Chinese and Russians at the drop of a hat.
And yet, with all this on the A-1 Psycho balance sheet, you still think you're more nuts than us that this won't result in your complete and utter annihilation? One way or another, your way of life will be over, period.
Freedom's kind of a crazy, kooky, nutty thing when you look really close at it and all the bizarre and loony things that can result from it, but it's better than any other ideas anybody else has come up with. It's been that way since 1776, and built to last no matter how insanely we try to screw it up on a daily basis.
We are even so nuts and ruthless enough as a nation to start insanely tearing at those of ourselves that even remotely resemble you in such rancorous, deplorable, and angry ways that will make you wonder if Allah has enough glue to piece enough of you back together for a flesh paperweight in Paradise. We may not know where you are now, but when we do I guarantee you that the majority of our high school children will still have no idea where on the globe where you are or where you will end up being buried. But we will send them anyway, and we will allow those of them that went into the armed services because they didn't manage to get into college *still* rain down Hell and fire on your worthless hides. It will all come down on you, because we're nuts enough to give all four of our branches of military services extremely powerful and deadly aircraft even though only one of them is actually called the Air Force.
Picking a fight with the most insane nation on Earth with the hope that your message and influence will spread throughout the world, well, that's just downright stupid.
I Had to laugh when i read this
The Ultimate Response to a to Dear John Letter:
An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he
received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that
she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to
break up and she wants pictures of herself back.
So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do. He went
around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women
he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the
following note:
"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one
that belongs to you and send the rest back.here.
turn up your sound for this link!
Men.....
The following ad in the Atlanta journal is reported to have received numerous calls:
Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight week-old black Labrador retriever.
Men are so easy.
Newlyweds
A man and a woman are staying at a hotel for their honeymoon. It's their first night of being together as man and wife.
The man sits on the bed and takes of his pants. He throws his pants to his wife and says, "Here hunny..put these on"
The wife slides into the pants and holds them up saying, "oh hunny, I could never wear your pants..their just too big"
To this the husband replies,"That's right and don't you forget it! I WEAR THE PANTS IN THIS MARRIAGE!"
To this the wife takes off her panties and throws them at her husband saying, "Here! Put these on!"
The husband laughs and says, "I can't get into your panties..."
To this the wife screams, "That's right and that's how it's gonna be until you CHANGE YOUR DAMN ATTITUDE!"
MARCHING ORDERS
The general issued a rousing cry: "Onward to victory!" Half an hour later, an urgent message reached him: "Need further instructions. Victory not on our maps."
Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time.
First Soldier: Why did you join the army?
Second Soldier: I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?
First Soldier: I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined.
U.S. ARMY OFFICIAL VOICE MAIL MESSAGE
Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, DC, and compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:
If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.
If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of gray funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.
If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your ass off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitterpassed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.
"I suppose," snarled the leathery sergeant to the private, "that when you're discharged from the Army, you'll wait for me to die, just so you can spit on my grave."
"Not me," said the private. "When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line again."
NOBODY LISTENS
The commander's wife asked her husband at supper at home: "Oh, Peter, darling, how can you look so fresh and relaxed this time of the day, or rather night, after listening to all kinds of troubles and complaints from your many subordinates all day?"
Her husband answered, "Who listens?"
